What Hurts The Most
by FickleJKdreamer
Summary: My first songfic on Hiei's regretful thoughts over Yukina's death. R&R


**A/N: My first attempt at a songfic. I might even add on more when inspiration hits me :] Reviews and constructive criticism is much appreciated.**

**So first up, a kinda-oneshot on Hiei over Yukina. The idea for this one hit me a while back and I had yet until recently to write it. Hope you like it :D**

**Disclaimer: I do no own YYH OR **_**What Hurts The Most**_** by Rascal Flatts.**

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><p>Blood dripped slowly onto the white landscape as a familiar katana was being dragged through the snow. It still fell as Hiei gazed out onto the small demon horde around him, the corpse laying dead and bleeding at his feet.<p>

_Hn. What you lowlifes all deserve _he thought angrily as he walked away without so much as a side glance towards the miniature massacre.

_*I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house ~ That don't bother me*_

As his footsteps crunched through the snow and dead tree branches, his mind began reeling on the initial reason for him hunting the aforementioned horde. It was because of them that a secret he long held inside of him will now never be spoken. He had thought against it in the beginning, but now that time has passed, he slowly warmed up to the idea of revealing it.

Looking around, he saw a glint of crystal clutched in one of the demon's hands. He swiftly took it.

_*I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out*_

He remembered once being advised by Koenma and Kurama to tell her on a couple of occasions. Of course, his damn pride wouldn't let him. Besides, he even said so himself that she would be better off not knowing. He couldn't bear to imagine her shock and disappointment.

To know that your long-lost brother grew up to be a ruthless killer…

…On top of being the unwanted male _kiyoukai_ among the Ice Tribe.

Unconsciously, his dragon arm began to shake. With uncontrollable rage, he began pummeling a nearby demon corpse he had just hacked moments ago.

_IT'S __**YOUR **__FAULT! IT'S ALL. YOUR. FAULT._

If one could hear his screaming thoughts, one would wonder if he was directing that at himself or the mangled body.

_*I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while ~ Even though going on with you gone still upsets me_

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok ~ But that's not what gets me*_

With grief getting a hold of him, Hiei slumped to the ground, his body shaking. The only thing propping him up in _some_ way was his katana still clutched in his left hand.

_It was the only thing she wanted to know_ he thought bitterly _I deprived her of that knowledge…the fact she had actually found who she was looking for. And now…it's too late._

_*What hurts the most ~ Was being so close_

_And having so much to say ~ And watching you walk away*_

_Why __**did **__I hold back? Was I just __**that**_ _much scared?_

Gathering his thoughts and feeling in his legs, he stood back up and walked faster than earlier. He was near the place he intended to go. On the way however, his thoughts diverted as he passed by the demon horde that allegedly killed his dearly beloved.

Thinking about her now brought on pangs of the deepest regret he's ever felt. As he had watched her willfully walk away to return to the Ice Realm, it still questioned himself whether or not telling her was a good idea. Again, his damn pride prevented him from doing so.

_There __**will**__ be a time eventually…_

He recalled his initial thought back then. At that point and time, there _was_ still time to think it over, time to wait. He heaved a deep sigh that came out in the form of mist hovering in front of his face.

Finally, he came upon the Floating Ice Realm, familiarizing himself with the biting cold and the forever-blizzards of snow. Any attempt of sounds being made or heard were deadened, making it appear as empty and isolated as ever.

_*And never knowing ~ What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you ~ Is what I was tryin' to do*_

He trekked through the constantly calf-high snow, his footprints quickly covered by the flurries of white. As he looked ahead, it was almost as though even the Ice _koorime_ were wiped out. Then again, why did it matter? With their ice-cold beings and their shunning of outsiders (particularly men), they were as good as dead...

Save for one.

One who never failed to show him care and kindness when he blocked out everyone else. He could never refuse her presence no matter how hard he tried in his head. Any memory of her swirled in with his biggest life regret was enough to make his heart actually ache with emptiness.

_*It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go ~ But I'm doin' It_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone*_

Sure, he had everyone else there who he could turn to. The Detective, the Fox, the Baka Oaf, that Ferry Girl, that Baby King…

But no one could tap into his inner self than Yukina could. Thinking back, it was always her purity, her innocence, her genuine concern for others that compelled him to protect her like a silent guardian. All the time she cared for him and the others is something he could never pay back in full.

_If only she got to know…_

_*Still Harder ~ Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret ~ But I know if I could do it over_

_I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart_

_That I left unspoken*_

At last, through the blistering cold he spotted what he was looking for.

Something that looked like a crystal-clear wink in the light out of the ground made its appearance visible. He should know, for he had set it himself.

Walking closer, he faltered slightly at the scene he had erected with his own two hands. A rectangular plot in the snow was marked with rocks and rather large pieces of stray ice. At the head, a small, wordless tombstone made of icicle jutted out of the ground as high as Hiei's leg.

_*What hurts the most ~ Is being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away*_

Approaching the tombstone, Hiei looked down in his hand. The crystal teargem with the blue tint he had swiped from the dead demon's hand was clutched so tight that his knuckles were incredibly white, bordering on purple from the surrounding cold.

_Yukina…_

At that, he reached up around his neck and yanked off a thin black chain. Hanging off from it was his teargem, red in tint from his fire energy. Slowly, he began to intertwine and tie the two gems together.

_We weren't able to be together in this sorry excuse of a life. It was my fault it was so._

_*And never knowing ~ What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do*_

Hiei's doleful crimson eyes closed as he fought back a rising choking feeling in his throat, clutching the two winking gems in his hand.

_I think you knew it all along, yet you were never sure…You have found your brother._

He stepped forward and began to tie the gem string to the top tier of the relatively-short icicle, sealing it within its icy clutches by melting a thin layer with his fire. Once he finished and the blowing winds refroze the icicle as quickly as he had melted it, he stepped back.

_*What hurts the most ~ Is being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away*_

Again, Hiei's legs buckled beneath him as he collapsed onto the snow a second time. His head was bowed as warm tears finally fought free from his fire-red eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Yukina," he murmured in a choked voice, anger boiling in his throat, "I wasn't quick enough to save you…"

He looked up at the tombstone again. To his incredulous surprise, a misty silhouette of Yukina lingered before him on the snow. Her wide eyes looked on as though she was peering right through the thick defensive layers into the deepest of Hiei's soul. His eyes widened at the apparition before him, who sported a concerned look on her face as she always did when she was alive.

_*And never knowing ~ What could have been*_

"I've been a pitiable brother," he continued, tear after tear falling down his cheek and formulating into crimson gems upon the snow, "Please forgive me…"

His body shook uncontrollably. The cold didn't affect him any longer. It was wholly him and his boiling anger and regret. It almost threw him into a heat flash, his vision swimming before him in blind fury at himself.

He knew it all along, yet he didn't want to admit: he was nothing but a coward to his own fear of rejection.

Softly, he felt a calming coolness on his cheek. Regaining proper consciousness, Yukina's apparition had her hand cupping his cheek, a kind smile on her face. He looked at her pleadingly.

"Yukina, I love you."

_*And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do*_

At that, Yukina bent forward and made a motion to kiss Hiei on the cheek. In subdued grief and surprise, he felt the light smack of her cool, smooth lips against his heated face.

"I love you too, Hiei."

He watched numbly as she retreated away from him slowly, one hand continually outstretched as her touch upon his cheek lifted. He felt her being blown gently into the wind, their gaze never parting.

"Thank you."

With her last words, Yukina disappeared into the ever-swirling white, leaving Hiei alone at her grave once again. He slowly got up and approached the tombstone once more. As a testament to finally revealing his secret, he formed a small sphere of everlasting flame in the palm of his hand. This he placed on the topmost tier just above the two gems.

_*Not seeing that loving you_

_That's what I was trying to do*_

A feeling of burden lifted from his shoulders, the everlasting flame flickering warm and bright through the harsh eternal winter. With his final deed done, he turned and began to walk away, the teargems winking again behind him.

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><p><strong>So yeah, what do you think? Kindly leave your thoughts :] I'll even take in some requests if desired.<strong>

'**Til next time,**

**-FickleJKdreamer**


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